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Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Missing My Angels Today
I am feeling very down lately. The combination of the holidays and the fact that my first month of trying to get pregnant after the miscarriage was unsuccessful have really taken a toll on my emotions. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to stay in the Christmas spirit, for my kids if for nothing else. It is enormously stressful to try to stay so upbeat when I feel so crappy. I had a terrible nightmare last night. One that I can't even describe because it was so horrific. I still find myself asking why I deserved this. I am expected to have moved on by now. I haven't.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Grief
Grief is not understood by many people. It is especially cloudy when connected to miscarriage. I have discovered a website that has been very helpful to me. It contains facts on miscarriage and also has a forum that has been especially helpful to read. I continue to struggle with my grief daily. I came across this poem on the forum. It has comforted me. I hope that it is helpful for others who may be dealing with similar pain:
~Born Into Heaven~
If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to Heaven to bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye,
You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you no one will ever know.
~Anonymous
~Born Into Heaven~
If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to Heaven to bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye,
You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you no one will ever know.
~Anonymous
Monday, October 10, 2011
Birthday Party and Visit to the Pumpkin Patch
Sunday, September 18, 2011
First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for the support and prayers for my family and I. It has been over a week since my D&C and I am healing (physically) quickly. I went back to work on Tuesday. Fortunately, my job does not allow much time to think about anything else but the kiddos in my classroom. So, I haven't had much down time at work to think about it...which is a blessing. I don't have much time at home to think about it either, except at night time. That is when I realize that I am still struggling with the emotional impact this experience has had on me. I also realized that today I do not feel much like writing about it. Instead, I will talk about other things that have been going on in our lives.
Alivia started ballet and acrobats this week. She was so "essited" about ballet! Most of you know that my daughter has been walking on her tiptoes since she learned to walk. Imagine my surprise when I watched her first class and she barely went up on her toes at all! Seriously, kid? Oh well, she still looked pretty cute! She has also started preschool and loves it. She keeps singing the songs that she's learning and talking about all of her "projects" that she does. It is very sweet.
Alex likes second grade...but he is quickly realizing that it is much harder than first grade. I've been told that the year your child is in the same grade that you teach is going to be a difficult one. Boy am I finding that to be true! Sheesh! His football season is in full swing and he loves it. I can't get over how big and grown up he looks in his uniform.
Not much else to talk about, I'm afraid. Except that today I discovered the wonderfulness of my new favorite bookstore...Half Price Books. How is it that I am in my fifth year of teaching and nobody has told me about this place?!?! I spent a small fortune there today. I also found composition notebooks at Target for 10 cents a piece! You would have thought it was Christmas for me! The things that I get excited about...
Alivia started ballet and acrobats this week. She was so "essited" about ballet! Most of you know that my daughter has been walking on her tiptoes since she learned to walk. Imagine my surprise when I watched her first class and she barely went up on her toes at all! Seriously, kid? Oh well, she still looked pretty cute! She has also started preschool and loves it. She keeps singing the songs that she's learning and talking about all of her "projects" that she does. It is very sweet.
Alex likes second grade...but he is quickly realizing that it is much harder than first grade. I've been told that the year your child is in the same grade that you teach is going to be a difficult one. Boy am I finding that to be true! Sheesh! His football season is in full swing and he loves it. I can't get over how big and grown up he looks in his uniform.
Not much else to talk about, I'm afraid. Except that today I discovered the wonderfulness of my new favorite bookstore...Half Price Books. How is it that I am in my fifth year of teaching and nobody has told me about this place?!?! I spent a small fortune there today. I also found composition notebooks at Target for 10 cents a piece! You would have thought it was Christmas for me! The things that I get excited about...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Writing out sadness...
Warning: This post is sad. It is something that you may not want to read. It might make you uncomfortable...especially those who are squeamish or have never dealt with this kind of pain. It really is not even to update anyone on my life. It honestly is my way of grieving over something that is intangible. Writing about it is my only way of processing it.
I have two beautiful children. I am very grateful for them...even though at times they would try the patience of a saint. They are miracles to me. I am fortunate, as some have hurtfully suggested, to have them.
That does not make my grief any easier to deal with. Not many people knew, but a week ago today I was ten weeks pregnant. Mike and I have struggled with deciding whether to have any more children. God made the decision for us and at the end of July, I discovered I was pregnant again. We were very happy, and even though we were cautious, I told more people than I had intended. I was excited and if you have ever been pregnant you understand the feeling of wanting to share your joy with everyone.
Why was I cautious? I have had two successful pregnancies and my children are happy and healthy. Well, back in 2006 I had a miscarriage. It was traumatic and painful. It left me very grief stricken. I resented anyone who was pregnant. I resented Mike for seemingly "getting over it" much quicker than I did. Most of all, I resented myself because I thought it was my fault. Crazy...because as many as 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. And it wasn't my fault. But deep down I thought it was. It was a natural miscarriage that ended in the toilet. (Here's the part that you may not want to read.) When it happened, I had an overwhelming sense to "rescue" my baby. I did not...but the image of what lay in the toilet haunted me, and probably will continue to haunt me forever. I was pregnant again pretty quickly with Alivia. Because of the miscarriage...I was extremely distant during my pregnancy. I did not buy any clothes for her, I kept thinking "well...we'll see", and even during the delivery there was a moment when the fetal monitor fell off of her and I thought for sure that she had died. I truly felt that the miscarriage had robbed me of having any type of bonding with her. It didn't. I bonded with her right away after she was born. However, that nightmare never fully went away.
Fast forward to the present. I told more people than I meant to. I had all the pregnancy symptoms: fatigue, nausea, weight gain, heartburn, and emotional mood swings. I called my OB/GYN office the day after I found out and was seen that afternoon for a blood screen. I got a call two days later that all was well. The following week, I had a moment of insecurity and went back for another blood screen. My doctor called me the next day with great news that everything looks perfect. I went in for my complete initial screening (complete with a pelvic exam, blood tests, and ultrasound) and I got to see the sac on the screen. (All that you could see at that point). I was taking hormone supplements and everything was going well. I told my boss and planned for my Maternity leave in April. I told my kids and shared the excitement of the prospect of a new baby.
And then I went in for the ten week check up last Wednesday. My doctor could not find a heartbeat on the dopplar. No big deal..."your uterus is tipped and that makes it harder to find." He had me wait for an ultrasound. I had the common sense to make sure that Mike was with me at this appointment because I knew what could possibly go wrong. I waited in the waiting room, sharing the room with women who were enormously pregnant and a woman who was there for her postpartum check up with her precious newborn. I knew...I knew this nightmare was about to happen to me again. Mike tried to reassure me. The doctor was confident that all was well because my lab work looked so great. I knew.
When we went in for the ultrasound the tech searched and searched. She did not say a word. Mike sat at the end of the bed and I stared at the screen. She finally found what she was looking for and I saw a large empty hole. She looked at me and said, "I'm going to go get the doctor." She left and I looked at Mike and said "There's nothing there." The next hour was horrible. I immediately began sobbing. My doctor was very sensitive (something I did not experience the first time with a previous doctor.) He told me most likely I was going to miscarry because he could already see hemorrhaging on the ultrasound. He asked if I wanted to wait for it to happen naturally. I saw the horrible image from five years ago. No. We set up the D&C for Saturday.
One of the best things that came from my previous miscarriage was that I found a group of women who had been through the same type of experiences (some multiple times) as I had online. We have managed to stay together and have developed a close friendship (despite the fact that many of us have never met). I texted one of the girls and told her what happened. I knew that they were among the few that truly understood what I was going through. I have a few other friends that understand, but for the most part, miscarriage is a lonely experience. Many people offer advice such as "At least you know you can have children" of "It was for the best" or "It wasn't truly a baby" and have no idea of how hurtful they are being. Other people are sympathetic and can understand to an extent, but again it is hard to truly understand unless it is something that they have gone through personally.
My D&C was two days ago. It was a nightmare. I had to go to the Labor and Delivery ward where I would have had this baby. Women were there with their newborns. I was there to have the "products of conception" removed. When we arrived for the procedure and we walked by a room with a glider in it (where I would have been rocking my newborn in 30 weeks) I had a moment of sheer panic and told Mike I couldn't do it. I tried to run for the door but he caught me. When I came to after the procedure I was painfully aware of someone crying and saying "I want my baby." It was me. I am sure it was horrible for Mike to watch.
Worst of all? It feels like a failure. This time, I had no indication that something was wrong. I feel robbed. I am bitter and angry. I am hurt and devastated. I want to scream at God. How could he let this happen to me again? I have nothing concrete to grieve. Just an idea. Nothing to bury. It is a completely empty feeling. I am grieving and only a small amount of people know because I had the foresight not to tell many people. The appointment was the day before my birthday. What a horrible birthday present. I will return to work tomorrow and I am not sure I am going to be able to hold it together all day long...and I do not have the convenience of locking myself in an office or bathroom to cry by myself. I will have 25 expectant second graders looking at me wondering where I have been for the last three days.
I do have some wonderful friends who are helping me through this. Some are new friends that are picking up the pieces for me at work. Some are friends who have endured this same pain but are hundreds of miles away. Some are old friends who can only offer words of sympathy. I will recover...however now I have a new nightmarish vision to go with the old one...
An empty hole.
I have two beautiful children. I am very grateful for them...even though at times they would try the patience of a saint. They are miracles to me. I am fortunate, as some have hurtfully suggested, to have them.
That does not make my grief any easier to deal with. Not many people knew, but a week ago today I was ten weeks pregnant. Mike and I have struggled with deciding whether to have any more children. God made the decision for us and at the end of July, I discovered I was pregnant again. We were very happy, and even though we were cautious, I told more people than I had intended. I was excited and if you have ever been pregnant you understand the feeling of wanting to share your joy with everyone.
Why was I cautious? I have had two successful pregnancies and my children are happy and healthy. Well, back in 2006 I had a miscarriage. It was traumatic and painful. It left me very grief stricken. I resented anyone who was pregnant. I resented Mike for seemingly "getting over it" much quicker than I did. Most of all, I resented myself because I thought it was my fault. Crazy...because as many as 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. And it wasn't my fault. But deep down I thought it was. It was a natural miscarriage that ended in the toilet. (Here's the part that you may not want to read.) When it happened, I had an overwhelming sense to "rescue" my baby. I did not...but the image of what lay in the toilet haunted me, and probably will continue to haunt me forever. I was pregnant again pretty quickly with Alivia. Because of the miscarriage...I was extremely distant during my pregnancy. I did not buy any clothes for her, I kept thinking "well...we'll see", and even during the delivery there was a moment when the fetal monitor fell off of her and I thought for sure that she had died. I truly felt that the miscarriage had robbed me of having any type of bonding with her. It didn't. I bonded with her right away after she was born. However, that nightmare never fully went away.
Fast forward to the present. I told more people than I meant to. I had all the pregnancy symptoms: fatigue, nausea, weight gain, heartburn, and emotional mood swings. I called my OB/GYN office the day after I found out and was seen that afternoon for a blood screen. I got a call two days later that all was well. The following week, I had a moment of insecurity and went back for another blood screen. My doctor called me the next day with great news that everything looks perfect. I went in for my complete initial screening (complete with a pelvic exam, blood tests, and ultrasound) and I got to see the sac on the screen. (All that you could see at that point). I was taking hormone supplements and everything was going well. I told my boss and planned for my Maternity leave in April. I told my kids and shared the excitement of the prospect of a new baby.
And then I went in for the ten week check up last Wednesday. My doctor could not find a heartbeat on the dopplar. No big deal..."your uterus is tipped and that makes it harder to find." He had me wait for an ultrasound. I had the common sense to make sure that Mike was with me at this appointment because I knew what could possibly go wrong. I waited in the waiting room, sharing the room with women who were enormously pregnant and a woman who was there for her postpartum check up with her precious newborn. I knew...I knew this nightmare was about to happen to me again. Mike tried to reassure me. The doctor was confident that all was well because my lab work looked so great. I knew.
When we went in for the ultrasound the tech searched and searched. She did not say a word. Mike sat at the end of the bed and I stared at the screen. She finally found what she was looking for and I saw a large empty hole. She looked at me and said, "I'm going to go get the doctor." She left and I looked at Mike and said "There's nothing there." The next hour was horrible. I immediately began sobbing. My doctor was very sensitive (something I did not experience the first time with a previous doctor.) He told me most likely I was going to miscarry because he could already see hemorrhaging on the ultrasound. He asked if I wanted to wait for it to happen naturally. I saw the horrible image from five years ago. No. We set up the D&C for Saturday.
One of the best things that came from my previous miscarriage was that I found a group of women who had been through the same type of experiences (some multiple times) as I had online. We have managed to stay together and have developed a close friendship (despite the fact that many of us have never met). I texted one of the girls and told her what happened. I knew that they were among the few that truly understood what I was going through. I have a few other friends that understand, but for the most part, miscarriage is a lonely experience. Many people offer advice such as "At least you know you can have children" of "It was for the best" or "It wasn't truly a baby" and have no idea of how hurtful they are being. Other people are sympathetic and can understand to an extent, but again it is hard to truly understand unless it is something that they have gone through personally.
My D&C was two days ago. It was a nightmare. I had to go to the Labor and Delivery ward where I would have had this baby. Women were there with their newborns. I was there to have the "products of conception" removed. When we arrived for the procedure and we walked by a room with a glider in it (where I would have been rocking my newborn in 30 weeks) I had a moment of sheer panic and told Mike I couldn't do it. I tried to run for the door but he caught me. When I came to after the procedure I was painfully aware of someone crying and saying "I want my baby." It was me. I am sure it was horrible for Mike to watch.
Worst of all? It feels like a failure. This time, I had no indication that something was wrong. I feel robbed. I am bitter and angry. I am hurt and devastated. I want to scream at God. How could he let this happen to me again? I have nothing concrete to grieve. Just an idea. Nothing to bury. It is a completely empty feeling. I am grieving and only a small amount of people know because I had the foresight not to tell many people. The appointment was the day before my birthday. What a horrible birthday present. I will return to work tomorrow and I am not sure I am going to be able to hold it together all day long...and I do not have the convenience of locking myself in an office or bathroom to cry by myself. I will have 25 expectant second graders looking at me wondering where I have been for the last three days.
I do have some wonderful friends who are helping me through this. Some are new friends that are picking up the pieces for me at work. Some are friends who have endured this same pain but are hundreds of miles away. Some are old friends who can only offer words of sympathy. I will recover...however now I have a new nightmarish vision to go with the old one...
An empty hole.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Oh My! Update!
Has it really been that long since my last post? February?
Well here is all that you have been missing about us! (the three of you that probably read this! Haha!)
Alex- Alex finished up first grade with flying colors. I'm so proud of my little man. He played his first year of coach pitch baseball this past Spring. He has improved so much! We can't wait to see him next year. He has been playing hard this summer with the neighbors and he has a new friend that moved in next door. It has been fun to watch! He also finished up his year of Cub Scouts with camp in June. He had so much fun at the camp. He especially loved the BB gun practice. We learned he is actually a pretty good shot. He has now moved up to the Wolf pack. (I have no idea what that means, I am not Cub Scout savvy! I just buy the popcorn!) Three weeks (or has it only been two? The weeks are blending together!) ago, he began practice for the Wee Aviators (tackle football). He looks so funny in his equipment and pads! Mike says he has really improved since the beginning and he is looking forward to his first game this weekend. And, in a little over a week, he will be starting second grade!
Alivia- Little Miss Princess has had a pretty good summer too. She makes us laugh every day with some silly saying or some type of drama. In May we discovered a lump on her collarbone. Her pediatrician monitored it for awhile, suggesting that it might be a swollen lymph node. When it didn't go away by the end of June, he referred her to a pediatric surgeon to have it removed. The surgeon is under the impression that it is probably a benign cyst (his exact words) and that we should go ahead and remove it just in case (again, his exact words- scared me to death!) Her surgery is coming up at the end of August. She is very excited to begin Preschool this year. She will also be taking dance. Yes, I have finally enrolled the girl that walks continuously on her toes in ballet!
Mike- Mike spent his Spring picking up all the pieces while I was busy writing papers for grad school. Somehow he managed to coach Alex's baseball team, get involved with the Cub Scouts, and still manage to go to work every day. His place of employment is undergoing major change right now due to being bought by a bigger company.
Me- I am still managing to hold on to my 4.0 in my Master's Program (yay for me!). I keep thinking that I am never going to make it, but I am starting to see a very faint light at the end of the tunnel. I can't wait, though, to have my Saturdays back! This Spring saw the closing of the elementary school that I teach at. It was a very sad affair. There was just something special about the school and the staff. I am not going to be working with most of the staff that I have worked with (and made wonderful friendships with) for the last four years. The prospect of starting over again with a new team is a little daunting, but the girls are very nice and I am looking forward to it. Summer has been wonderful and I am sad to see it slipping away from me so quickly!
We also went on our first trip to Disney World in June. It was so much fun and I cannot wait to go back again! It truly is magical to see your children light up with wonder and delight at the different shows, attractions, and characters. We ate breakfast at the castle and it was Little Miss Princess' dream come true! Alex loved the trip as well.
Unfortunately, during our trip I received the terrible news that my father had to undergo open heart surgery (quintuple bypass) right after we got back. It was a very scary experience, but it was wonderful to feel so uplifted from all of the prayers of our family and friends! He is currently recovering and even felt well enough to take Alex fishing (with the help of Mike and Uncle Ryan) last weekend!
Well, that is what has been happening with us for the last months. Hopefully, it won't be April before I can update again! ;)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Alivia's Warning
So, lately Alex has been the WHINIEST kid in the world. Every time he is asked to do something, whether it is to put on his shoes to cleaning something up...the inevitable answer is a whine. Tonight he was told it was time to go to bed. The ULTIMATE reason for his whining, he immediately started in. Enter the know it all (in his eyes) baby sister...
"Alex, Santa is watching you!"
hehehe, Santa is AWESOME!
"Alex, Santa is watching you!"
hehehe, Santa is AWESOME!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Alivia's Baby Book
Alivia is three years old. You would think that her baby scrapbook would be proudly displayed on my bookshelf next to her brother's beautiful paper scrapped baby book. HA! I have discovered that once you have two children you no longer have the time to do any fun stuff like this anymore. At least not until the second baby is three years old! Especially if you also have a demanding full time job. Well, after three years it is finally finished. This book has been a long time coming. It has also been my first experience in the world of digital scrapbooking. I have spent countless hours on photoshop working on this book and have used many wonderful digital scrapbooking kits. If you know nothing about digital scrapbooking and are interested in it, google it. But I warn you, it is HIGHLY addictive and time consuming. It also takes a lot of patience in learning how to use Photoshop. I ordered this book off of Shutterfly.com today and cannot wait for it to come in the mail.
**The kits used in this album are numerous and I do not have all of the credits for them. Suffice it to say that I thank the wonderful designers that I downloaded them from and will never use it for personal gain. This book was specifically created for my own personal enjoyment.
**The kits used in this album are numerous and I do not have all of the credits for them. Suffice it to say that I thank the wonderful designers that I downloaded them from and will never use it for personal gain. This book was specifically created for my own personal enjoyment.
Click here to view this photo book larger
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Winter...
Well, I finally have the Christmas decorations completely put away. I always feel sad taking them down. It just seems to go so fast, and I feel this more and more as my kids get older. Christmas was really special this year because it was the first year that Alivia really understood it. In fact, she just cannot get over the fact that it is over. Even today, she was singing a Christmas song. Alex did the same thing when he was this age. Santa was very good to the kids again this year. Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure that Alex is the first name on Santa's naughty list. Speaking of the LIST, Alivia watched Dora's Christmas Carol several times this year. If you haven't seen it, believe me...it's riveting. Anyhow, Swiper is on the naughty list. This really sunk in with Alivia this year. Any time we went grocery shopping and I pulled my grocery list out she grabbed it and began checking it for names.
Although I am sad that Christmas is over, I am glad that January is heading on it's way out. I really hate the cold and snow. The winter gloom descends over me. I have a hard time staying motivated to do anything when it is ugly and gray outside. I do think the undisturbed snow is pretty, but it doesn't remain that way for long and then it gets dirty and ugly too. So, I am ready for the warm weather again.
Work and my coursework are keeping me busy as usual. I know that one day, I will look back on this time and feel like I accomplished something. Right now, though, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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